No..
I havn’t forgotten about my blog. I just post on my sparkpeople blog WAY more often than here. Weight lost is such a big focus right now so that is where I blog. The more I do on that website the easier it is for me to keep it up. However I like to blog here when my brain isn’t working right.. or.. yeah. It’s been awhile hasn’t it?
To date I’ve lost 30.4lbs. Another 154.6 more lbs to go to hit my ideal weight. I’ve moved my BMI from a freaky 49.5 (it dosn’t go any higher than 50!!) to 45. I’ve also removed 128lbs of pressure from my knees. (Take your weight loss and times it by 4 to get that number). I’ve also lost 9.55% of my starting weight. You need to loose 10% of your weight to start drastically improving your health. I’m almost there! Obviously I’m not a health professional but I’ve read a lot online, so hopefully there is truth in these number. God how I love numbers and facts, it makes it easier to understand. I’ve also lost almost two pants sizes. I only own one pair of jeans that fit (and BOY do they look HOT!) and one pair of black work pants. Annoying but great at the same time!
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I found out last week that my Grandma has throat cancer. She zipped off to Saskatoon to see a specialist and now she’s scheduled for surgery in about a month. They’re going to have 3 surgeons working on her. They’re going to remove half of her stomach and her esophogous. They figure she’ll still be able to eat and talk. I’m not sure but I think it’s also spread to her lymph nodes. We all know what that means. Well okay.. if you don’t… the lymph nodes.. basically from what I understand/remember from biology class.. are like intersections in your bodies internal superhighway. The cancer will easily spread from her lymph nodes to any and every part of her body. That’s why it’s bad to get a lymph node infection aswell. So.. anyways I don’t remember if she has it in her lymph nodes or not, I quit listening partway through my sister telling me. I just heard “lymph nodes” and went AWW CRAP. 
We will be going to visit my Grandma after surgery. She’ll be recovering in the hospital for a few weeks, I’m sure she’ll need lots of company. Not only that but on of her sisters isn’t supposed to live more than a week. She also has cancer.
Good thing I’m on a track to get healthier. All of my great-aunts are either sick/have cancer. Being aboriginal stacks the odds against me.
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My headspace this past little bit has just plain old sucked. I can’t stand the thought of working in fucking retail for the rest of my life. I can’t even stand the thought of working in it for much longer. I’m done. Time to change things. Well okay, maybe not. We finally have a little bit of money now. Enough to pay all the bills and enough to buy all the groceries we need for once. I know if I quit.. that’ll go away. I just can’t help but notice how much happier I was when I didn’t work. All morning yesterday I was anxious because I knew I was going to work. How dumb. I felt so tired and sad. It’s so dumb because.. I CHOSE this job. It was handed to me. I told everyone that I missed it and wanted to go back. What the hell is wrong with me for not wanting it…again? It really isn’t a bad job, a monkey could do it. Even though I always feel like I’m screwing up. Maybe I just hate having a schedule. I hate that I could be called in to work anytime. That I have to bargain to get certain days off. It seems ludacris to me. I hate savouring my not-quite enough two days off. I also realize that some people work 5-7 days a week for 12 hours a day. I feel like a stupid lazy weakling. I really wish I could stay at home. I’m such a suck, LOL. I was also healthier and happier, and lost more weight when I had more time at home. I’m so dramatic, OMG.
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UGH, so much is going through my head. I feel stupid for wanting to stay home. I feel lazy. But I’m SO unhappy with the way things are right now. It’s rediculous! The only thing I can do is just suck it up. I can’t go anywhere with my job, may as well get comfortable.
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Well anyways, life is hard Daph. Get used to it girl! See pep-talks always work better with a big burger cheering for me too. *sigh*
Cya’ll later when my brain makes a little more sense!
Daph
